Haynes Manuals Translations for the mechanically incompetent
Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2003 12:01 amJust to help you out 
Haynes manuals and reality...
I'm sure a lot of these will be familiar
Haynes Manual Instruction:
".... withdraw the disc from the locating dowels..."
Translation: Buy an expensive hub-puller and fail miserably to shift either front brake disc.
Heat to dull red heat with a propane burner; beat hard in all directions with ball-pein hammer, swear loudly and spray with WD40. Repeat daily until successful (after 6 consecutive attempts). Repeat for the other side.
Haynes: ".... rotate anticlockwise."
Translation: Place in the vice, or find another way of locking the component, then beat repeatedly with large hammer, first anticlockwise, then clockwise (to break the 'seal'), then anticlockwise again.
Haynes: "This is a snug fit....."
Translation: You will take the skin from your knuckles if you try to remove or replace this.
Haynes: "This is a tight fit...."
Translation: Not a glimmer of a hope in hell of shifting it, buster..
Haynes: "...as described in Chapter 7."
Translation: Right. That should teach you to read right through before you start.
Haynes: "Pry apart ......"
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: "Undo..."
Translation: Make sure you have two jumbo tins of WD40 avaliable.
Haynes: "Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez, what was that? it nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove bulb..."
Translation: right – that’s the glass bit off, now go out and buy some good quality long-nose pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: "Lightly......"
Translation: Start off gently and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing and you've gone a funny purple colour.
Haynes: "Compress..."
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst
:
"buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger"
Haynes: "Inspect....."
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you really know all about what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowledgeable voice to anyone within earshot; "Yep, It's just as I thought, needs a new one"
Haynes: "Carefully..."
Translation: This will need lots of stitches afterwards....
Haynes: "...retaining nut..."
Translation: That shapeless blob of rust just there.
Haynes: "Get an assistant to ...."
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: "Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed ..."
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be that much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs before putting the battery on charge.....
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal ..."
Translation: But you are able to swear in different places.
Haynes: "Prise away plastic locating pegs..."
Translation: Snap off all the plastic locating pegs from a part which is no longer available....
Haynes: "...everyday toolkit...."
Translation: Ensure you have RAC Homestart, Mobile Phone & a Big Hammer
Haynes: "Apply moderate heat..."
Translation: Placing a match near it and huffing isn't 'moderate heat'. A Heavy Duty propane gas burner with a whopping burner head might just do the trick.
Haynes: "Weekly checks..."
Translation: If it aint bust....
Haynes: "Routine maintenance....."
Translation: If it wasn't bust before, it will be in a minute.
Haynes: "If not, you can fabricate a special tool with these dimensions......"
Translation: Ho bleedin' ho - in your dreams, pal.(unless you have a fully-equipped machine shop and your grandad is a blacksmith)
Haynes: "Index"
A list of all the things at the back of the book except the one you need to do.
Haynes manuals and reality...
I'm sure a lot of these will be familiar
Haynes Manual Instruction:
".... withdraw the disc from the locating dowels..."
Translation: Buy an expensive hub-puller and fail miserably to shift either front brake disc.
Heat to dull red heat with a propane burner; beat hard in all directions with ball-pein hammer, swear loudly and spray with WD40. Repeat daily until successful (after 6 consecutive attempts). Repeat for the other side.
Haynes: ".... rotate anticlockwise."
Translation: Place in the vice, or find another way of locking the component, then beat repeatedly with large hammer, first anticlockwise, then clockwise (to break the 'seal'), then anticlockwise again.
Haynes: "This is a snug fit....."
Translation: You will take the skin from your knuckles if you try to remove or replace this.
Haynes: "This is a tight fit...."
Translation: Not a glimmer of a hope in hell of shifting it, buster..
Haynes: "...as described in Chapter 7."
Translation: Right. That should teach you to read right through before you start.
Haynes: "Pry apart ......"
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: "Undo..."
Translation: Make sure you have two jumbo tins of WD40 avaliable.
Haynes: "Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez, what was that? it nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove bulb..."
Translation: right – that’s the glass bit off, now go out and buy some good quality long-nose pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: "Lightly......"
Translation: Start off gently and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing and you've gone a funny purple colour.
Haynes: "Compress..."
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst
:
"buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger"
Haynes: "Inspect....."
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you really know all about what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowledgeable voice to anyone within earshot; "Yep, It's just as I thought, needs a new one"
Haynes: "Carefully..."
Translation: This will need lots of stitches afterwards....
Haynes: "...retaining nut..."
Translation: That shapeless blob of rust just there.
Haynes: "Get an assistant to ...."
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: "Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed ..."
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be that much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs before putting the battery on charge.....
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal ..."
Translation: But you are able to swear in different places.
Haynes: "Prise away plastic locating pegs..."
Translation: Snap off all the plastic locating pegs from a part which is no longer available....
Haynes: "...everyday toolkit...."
Translation: Ensure you have RAC Homestart, Mobile Phone & a Big Hammer
Haynes: "Apply moderate heat..."
Translation: Placing a match near it and huffing isn't 'moderate heat'. A Heavy Duty propane gas burner with a whopping burner head might just do the trick.
Haynes: "Weekly checks..."
Translation: If it aint bust....
Haynes: "Routine maintenance....."
Translation: If it wasn't bust before, it will be in a minute.
Haynes: "If not, you can fabricate a special tool with these dimensions......"
Translation: Ho bleedin' ho - in your dreams, pal.(unless you have a fully-equipped machine shop and your grandad is a blacksmith)
Haynes: "Index"
A list of all the things at the back of the book except the one you need to do.
Bez. I understand your pain!
