Roads to die for and the Weather Gods smiled on us all weekend after teasing us with a few heavy showers north of Manchester on Friday. I think a few of us "came in our pants" whilst riding these fantastic roads, although I am unable to vouch for how moist the ladies were. Great "base" in Langtoon (Longtown). A place surely , that the scriptwriters got their ideas from for Phoenix Nights and League of Gentlemen.
So, who were the attendees?
Well, there was me for starters and I'm ashamed to say that when I opened the garage doors at 6.30, it was pissing down. "Fekk it" I said to messen .. and so I wheeled the GS out in readyness. Yes, let the abuse begin. See if I care
Then there was Ramo, who met me first at Ladybower next to where the Burger Van usually fekkin parks
.
With his Bird resplendent in Barstewards ( looks like his anyways) patent Black Shiny Gay Tank Cover, all he needed to look a complete coont was a pair of Patent ( of course) Tartan Chaps.
Then the main Southern Girls turned up...Shaz and Oldbull, Simmo and Mo, Daveb (bless
) Bluegas and his mate Colin on a Beemer 800 and Oldbulls pals on a Red Pan 1300, Steve and Belinda. With no burger van we didn't hang about too long and set off over the Snake to Glossop. The weather was looking good although grey over Manchester ( as fekkin usual).
As the Southern boys don't like to get out of their cots too early, we took a more direct route to Devils Bridge which involved a bit of Motorway around Manchester complete with Heavy showers and up towards Bury and Clitheroe. The weather soon cleared and the dry and empty roads gave us a lovely run all the way to Gisburn and likewise the A65 to Devils where we bulked up on tea and Burgers.
On to Kendal then and the Shap Road OK? Nah, Bluegas and Colin decided to forget to follow and turned onto the M6 North. Two riders down for the moment
( where is that wanker smilie?)The Shap Road was, as usual fantastic , just one bloody bus holding a couple of us for a few double white line bends
.Once we arrived at Penrith we stopped outside the Rugby Club to check on the time. Well, it would be rude to ride North without saying hello to Hartside Pass and the Cafe wouldn't it. Decision made we rode up to the Cafe. Fekkin sublime cos at that time there was next to nobody on it at all . Trouble was, there was nobody at the Cafe either
...and they were mopping the floors on the way to shutting shop.
Smooth talking Ramo managed to get them to put the kettle on but by now it was fekkin cold. Gorgeous with stunning views...but ferrkin cold.Onwards and upwards we rode at a brisk pace down to Alston ( I think this is where Colin had his first orgasm of the day). from there we turned left and headed up to Brampton. Oh my God what a road. Not a soul and we were flying. ( and this is where Colin and Bluegas came together
).From Bramton it was a 10 mile hop to Longtown and the Hotel courtyard where the Birds and Panzers were bedded down for the night.
But "Oh , what's this I see?"
Tucked away in the back of the courtyard was a bike under cover. It was plain to see from the ears sticking out that underneath was a Blackbird. "So", we thought, "the landlord must be a Bird owner" Cool
A peak underneath revealed a Black Blackbird. We all checked in and up to our rooms...'cept me as I was gagging for a pint and couldn't resist Bluegas and Colin, ( who'd arrived earlier having hit the M6 before detouring to Hawswater on their way up 
) waving their pints at me. Sat down for a quick one only to feel someones eyes glaring at me across the room. Heavy place this I thought. Smiled at the weirdo then realised it was Fairways18 and Linda Long time no see. Great to see them turn up. So, the Black Bird under cover in the courtyard was none other than Steve and Lindas Only about 6.30 and the bar was err, lively to say the least. After a shit, shave and shampoo ( speak for yasselves ladies
) we gathered in the bar and were soon joined by Jono aka Derek right Oldbull Cracking evening twixt the Hotel and The Globe bar across the road that reminded us of the bar in American Werewolf. A good night was had, finishing off with fast food. ( I spent an hour sat on my bed trying to eat a fekkin Extra Large Kebab only to look down and see that it was still there
) The forecast frost didn't appear and was woken up by bright sunrise streaming through the window and a cloudless blue sky
Come 9.00 Jono appeared on the yellow banana.
Fuelled up across the road and away we were. Lost count of the number of roundabouts and dual carriageway as we headed west towards Dumfries and Castle Douglas but great to see the fantastic views across the Solway Firth to the Lakes. Wasn't long before the roundabouts got smaller, turnoffs got less and we started heading northish on beautiful smooth roads. Away from the direct coastal routes we finally got on fast paced easy sweeping roads. The weather was still perfect.
First stop was petrol...well for Jono anyways, the flying banana not holding a lot see
. This was at St Johns Town of Dalry. We then headed NE on the A702. Yes, an "A" road. More like a brand new “B” road.
Absolutely fantastic fun, it slowly climbed and twisted and turned and climbed up and over and then through conifer plantations
..... before descending down to Moniaive. Jeez it really made you laff out loud , this road; just flick-flacking back and forth trying to shake off whoever was behind you.. unsuccessfully! What a fookin hoot! Pulled in at the bottom, just before Moniaive to get everyone back together and noticed a Red Bird in amongst us but the helmet and rider didn't register. Thought no more about it.
Once Jono and Ramo, who had earlier gone ahead to take motion pics had caught up with us...
... we decided on a Tea Stop as soon as. So Jono took us on to a little town called Thornhill where we (some of us) warmed up and took in fluids and cake
Ahha, the Red Bird I didn’t recognise...’twas Galaibh from Cumbria.
Missed him when he met up at the Hotel earlier. Nice to see you Mike and the Bird looks sweeeeeet. Spotted the local butchers advertising that they were the 21012 World Champion Scotch Pie Makers. ( Looks like Sky Sports have missed a trick there ) Packing my 2 World Champion Pies in my panniers ( it’d be rude not to wouldn’t it) we set off, next stop Moffat for lunch. North out of Moffat before turning right onto the A702 a lovely meandering road around a valley base before starting to climb up to High Enoch. Stopping for pics here and there ( likewise Mo and Simmo) we fell behind the group .
Playing catch up we got halfway up the valley side only to find most of the group parked up on the roadside. Oh, oh, this looks ominous
as we were waved down.Sure enough, a Bird had taken a tumble! DaveB lost the front end on a left hand bend where the “good” road dramatically changed to “bad road” , the warning signs being that close to the bad road as to be ineffective.
Fortunately, I had my camera close at hand and managed to catch Daveb grimacing in pain.
The Bird had taken quite a battering with the plastics and bent bits but at least, once checked over, it was rideable. Oh yea, Dave hurt his right hand ( broke it actually) but other than that could manage to ride the Bird and get off the mountain.
( Two handed clap smilie LOL)We then had a subdued ride over to Elvanfoot and then alongside the M74 down to Moffat where we stopped for lunch at “a bikers Caff” according to our guide, Jono aka Derek LOL Oldbull! Upside was we could rubber neck the surrounding countryside ( always has to be an upside as well as a downside eh!)
With a Roller parked outside no way was I going in there , but not for Jono and a few others. Pot of tea for one was about a tenner I think.
Hi Fairways18
Sat outside eating chips, the sun was quite hot by now. Daveb’s hand was hurting and with the M74 only a mile down the road, he decided to call it a day and limp back to the Hotel. Colin volunteered for chaperone duties and off they went . A sad end to the days riding for Daveb.
Time to move on . Heading NE on the A708 we followed a lovely valley that just wound on and on,
... stopping for a few pics and to take in the scenery underneath a waterfall called the Grey Mares Tail.
“I’m fooked” says Ramo
Ya forgot ya Banana “Derek” LOL @ Oldbull !
Onwards and upwards, the temperature dropping a bit, we had a fast ride down the other side to St Marys Loch.
Here’s James Hogg the Ettrick Shepherd.
Eastwards onto Selkirk we hit slightly more civilised roads and gentle country and from there to Jedburgh where we hit the A68 and Speed Camera Country!
Fortunately they were all facing us to start with !Next stop was up at the layby on the Scottish/English Border at Carter Bar. Here the views north are extensive if clear and today was no exception. But Christ it had turned cold. Mo unveiled her Chocolate Sponge Cake, brought all the way from home ! Just right with a cup of tea.
Time was getting on now, I think mebbe it was about 5?, so it was back down the A68 hill a couple of hundred yards, before turning off left on the A6088. “A”roads ? They look like good quality “B” roads to me, but they’re all empty so I’m not complaining. A quick stop for me to adjust my clothing/plug my heated stuff in, left me playing catch up. Setting off again, I nailed it but could I fekk as like catch them up.
I rode harder and harder, the roads just begging for it, then realised after a while that my “new” fekkin Garmin was rerouting me back to Jedburgh.
Confused, I stopped to study the map as I seemed to be heading in the right direction, south east sorta thing. Ballax, I see Blackpool is on the north coast where fekkin Edinburgh should be !. With the map display corrected it was backtrack and onto the road down behind Kielder to Newcastleton, the B6357. Oh what a road, a rollercoaster of a road, empty and as fast as you dare, it had me shouting out loud and laffing and giggling with a couple of “Oooh fekk, Christ that was close” moments chucked in.
Reaching Newcastleton, where the rest were parked up it looked like they all thought the same about this road. Oldbull did whisper to me that he had “moistened his kecks quite a bit but don’t tell Shaz” I didn’t. A steady 10 mile or so run down to Langtoon got us safely back at the Hotel for about 6.30. Just right. Chucking the bikes in the courtyard we headed indoors, but then spotted this saddo covering his bike up even though it had got covered in shite. That is sad Fairways, very sad.
Passing through the Hotel to our room we noticed that it was even more boisterous in the bar. Well, I suppose after 9 hours drinking it would be.
A cracking evening ensued., with a meal in the Hotel and plenty but not too much to drink. The bar got hectic, mebbe scarey, with a Karaoke Crooner somewhere in the corner and the lead actor from “The Hills Have Eyes” trying to dance to anything. Pissed up birds in Hi-Viz ( think they’d just finished some road works) and some local fluff giving our ladies the “eye” cos “we’ve sat there for the last 20 years, ‘taint fekkin reet”
Oh and I won’t say owt about being accused of nicking someones Bird keys as this aint the first time I have had false vile accusations directed at me. Again, I was exonerated.
Fantastic day discounting poor old Daveb’s mishap, we eventually buggered off to bed.
Sunday morning and another cracking day with another cracking full Scottish Breakfast ! Unfortunately it’s time to ride home. Fortunately we’re riding home via Brampton and Hartside for starters.
Daveb has a hand like a fekkin balloon, although he’s not in too much pain. My experience as a Steelworker diagnoses a broken hand. His Bird will stay with Jono until Insurance sort it and in the meantime he decides to ride home with me.We gain another “body” when Bluegas’ son George arrives at the Hotel after breakfast complete with riding gear. He’s 14 and been staying with relatives just up the road in Newcastleton and he’s riding home with his Dad today. Seemed like a nice young man until the little bastid asked his Dad why he rode with a load of old men LOL
With Jono taking us down as far as Hartside and Brough it was “off we jolly well go” and another brisk ride along empty roads all the way to Hartside is the order of the day. I have finally got my Dogcam batteries charged so have got the camera running all the way to the Caff. Trouble is it’s very bright which spoils some of the recording. I’ll get some up on Youtube when I can be arsed and for what its worth. Glorious sunshine again this morning.
Sunday morning at Hartside and there’s a good turn out of bikes. Haven’t seen any Birds though. ( Mind you, the way some people are chucking them down the road there can’t be that many left)
Spoiled for choice we decided on riding from Hartside down to Middleton on Teesdale and then over to Brough where it started to snow lightly on the Brough road. Quite a few groups of riders out and about by now kept things err, exciting. Pulling in to Brough we took stock. This was where Fairways18 and Linda left us and headed home on the A66. Daveb was happy riding pillion and enjoying the views , so I declined the kind offer of a motorway blatt to Fairways18 and Lindas for tea and biscuits
and followed on with Oldbull, Simmo and the rest to Sedburgh and Devils Bridge on the A683, again it would be rude not to ride that road when so close. As expected, Devils Bridge was packed. A lot of nice stuff there but still nowt to beat the Birds classic looks . Ramo left us here, carrying straight on ( I think his chaps were chaffing a bit) Colin, after a drink also parted company with us as he needed to get home to Peterbro’ quick to “complete some work for Monday”. Bluegas says that’s bollox and he’s a lying cnoot who really just wanted to go home to wash, dry and polish his BMW F800 as he’d only had it a week or so.
After more tea we kitted up for one last leg. It was me and Daveb that was going to part company next, riding as far as Keighley before heading to Motorway Hell of the M606 Bradford, M1 to Daveb’s in Sunny Mansfield . The A65 to Skipton was interesting..the road full of cars and groups of motorcyclists tripping on acid or summink. Some of the overtakes were just gobsmacking and these were from peeps that obviously knew the road too. Unbelievable !
At Skipton we realised Mo and Simmo hadn’t appeared from the petrol stop just up the road a mile or so.
We waited...and we err, waited all the time thinking “Oh no !” Eventually it was “all turn” and back we ride to the garage fearing the worst as ya do ! We got to the petrol station to find that Simmo couldn’t get his key into the barrel ( phnaar phnaar) and was waiting for the AA Recovery ! Whilst waiting, Pan Steve got some lube out (snicker) and gave Simmos barrel a good lubing up and down the shaft (phnucker geg geg ). Lo and behold, Simmos key slid smoothly deep , down into the barrel, (reet up t’tache)
Job’s a good un so it was cancel the AA and off we go again. Saying our goodbyes in advance it was down the Keighley valley (Aire valley I think) where Simmo and Mo, Daveb and I carried on to the Motorways, Oldbull, Steve and Bluegas taking the scenic route over the tops and wringing every last mile out of the day !
Scarey but well controlled stuff on the very busy motorways kept us alert and on our toes and finally got to Daveb’s for a warming cuppa at about 6.00p.m.First time I’ve had a pillion in “anger” and first time as pillion for Daveb too and very interesting it was too LOL With Daveb in the arms of his wife I discreetly left and after one last 20 minute blatt I was home and dry and absolutely knackered.
Fantastic weekend guys and gals. Great roads, great route Jono, great company and great weather. What more can you ask for eh.
Until next time
Anyone got a pic or two from St Marys Loch onwards ( think there’ll only be them at Carter Bar) that I can pinch cos my camera went flat ..please e-mail to timhavard@talktalk.net" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Ta.
( last comment.. I cannot believe how the whole weekends riding, no matter how cold, was made so enjoyable by the my Gerbing heated gloves and jacket. First time really, I have used both "in anger". Fekkin toasty smug all weekend)
back out of his 
I would say 'finger's crossed' but have a feeling you might think I'm having a go 
